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How do I access a ServerSocket behind an NAT router?

Goal
I'm making a chat application for android and am currently testing with 2 phones which must eventually work for a few thousand users.
Problem
I get a ConnectionException saying "Connection refused" whenever the 2 phones try connecting to each other via sockets.
Current Design
Each phone starts a ServerSocket, calls the accept() method waiting for some Socket to connect to, and whichever phone sends a message first will create a client Socket. I'm certain the IP addresses I'm using are correct (they're actually both using the same external IP).
I believe the problem is with the ports. I generate a port number at random, and if it's free to use, I say ServerSocket s = new ServerSocket( randomPortNumber ).
What I think is the source of the problem
What I think is the problem is this port number is one sitting behind an NAT router. So when a Socket tries to connect to the ServerSocket using something like Socket socket = new Socket( ip, serverSocketRandomPortNumber ), it will try to connect to the NAT router and feed it this port number which won't work since the router itself is not listening on this port, but the phone behind the router is.
Questions and thoughts
My question is, how do I deal with this problem?
Do I have to change my design?
If I must, an alternative design I'm thinking of is using a single ServerSocket on a web host and use it to redirect messages sent from client sockets to other client sockets.
I'd be implementing the server-side in php referencing something along these lines:
http://php.net/manual/en/sockets.examples.php
And I would still use Java for the client-side.

Since one of the phones is behind a NAT router, nothing can initiate a connection to it unless port forwarding (or some other techniques) is enabled on the router.
The usual way a chat application is implemented is, there is a common server that all clients will connect to.
You don't have to write your own chat server (unless you really want to). I suggest using the XMPP protocol. A list of already made servers here. On the client side (Android), you can find libraries you can use here.

Multiple java socket connections

I have created this game bot where it connects to the game, and starts playing.
My problem is that i can't start more than one of these as the other then won't work.
Is is possible that if i run 2 instances of the same program the sockets are interfering with each other ? After all, they do connect to the same IP with the same port ?
And sometimes after i close(just closing cmd) the program is unable to connect again. Is that cause i didn't close the connections right ?.
I hope this is enough else i'll just have to post my source code
Best regards.

It's possible to connect to the same socket/port several times. Actually a socket is a double peer: {client ip/ client port}{server ip/server port}. When you connect to a server, your client port is assigned dynamically. You will have a new and different client port per client. So it should work unless the server side forbid it.

You should have a server that listens for multiple connections. A server is bound to a port and once that port is in use another application cannot use it. So for the server just have one instance. Multiple clients can connect to this IP/Port as long as the Server accepts multiple connections.
If a client connects to the server and the other clients stop working this may be because the server does not support multiple clients. To do this you need to use multi threading in the server. The server should accept a client socket and create a new instance of a client with it's own StreamReader/Writer objects.
http://tutorials.jenkov.com/java-multithreaded-servers/multithreaded-server.html

if you are working with a specific TCP port, then there is a close-wait period that this port cannot be claimed temporariliy for some time. also multiple programs cannot listen the same TCP port. Use threads.

Server UDP and port binding

I am writing this game in Java and have problems with networking architecture.
I decided I will UDP packets. I am just at the beginning, but the problem I am facing is that it seems to be that server have to respond from exactly same IP/Port to client (which is behind router which uses NAT) as client connected that server.
For example I have client A behind router. Client A has IP (local) 192.168.8.100 and it connects server B from port 1234. Server is on 11.11.11.11:2345.
When client A connects to server B it uses 192.168.8.100:1234 but router converts that to (for example) 22.22.22.22:6789.
Now, when server wants to send packets to that client it has to be from 11.11.11.11:2345.
I would like to send data from another port like 11.11.11.11:2222, but this does not seem to work, at least not with my router.
I want to use different port because I want to have two threads one for listening and one for sending data, and each thread would have it's own DatagramSocket. But, as i said once client A connects to server on port 2345, I can not send data from port 2222.
Does anyone know how is this handled? I am doing it in Java, but it's not really a language specific problem.
UPDATE
After #Perception commented I have some more questions regarding his comments:
OK, so if I understand this correctly, if I have server which is hosting 1000 games, each with 2 players, all sending/receiving will have to be done through the same DatagramSocket.
As I understand DatagramSocket is thread safe so I guess I can have one thread doing:
datagramSocket.receive();
while at the same time second thread is doing
datagramSocket.send(.....);
Correct?
Also, two threads can send data at the same time through the same DatagramSocket? Is sending in any way serialized, meaning that second send() starts only after previous send() is finished or is data being sent at the same time?

gorann, I'm not sure if I'm understanding you correctly, but it sounds like you're trying to control the port on which the server communicates with the client. There's no way to control this, and for good reasons.

This is one of the trickier differences between TCP and UDP.
When a new TCP session is initiated, the server side call to accept() gives you a new socket and the OS handles multiplexing the various sessions for you. With UDP, you need to handle the multiplexing yourself. But you need to do so in a way that works with NATs and other firewalls.
The way NAT works is that when it sees an outgoing packet, it creates a temporary rule allow packets to return along the same port pair. Data returning from a port that the client has not yet sent to will likely be blocked.
This gives you two choices:
You could do all of your communication through a single port. This is not a bad option, it just means that you need a way to identify client sessions and route them to the appropriate thread.
You could create a separate port and instruct the client to send to that one instead. Have the server listen on a fixed port. The client sends a message to there, the server then sets up a new session port and sends that number back to the client using the server's listen port. The client then sends a message to the session port, which causes the NAT to open up that port and allow return traffic. Now the client and server thread have their own private port pair.
Option 1 is a bit more work because it requires data to be exchanged between threads, but it scales up better. Option 1 is easier and more CPU efficient because each session thread can be independent, but there are a finite number of ports available.
Either way, I recommend that you have the client include a semi-unique session id in each packet so that the server has more than just the client address and port number to verify who belongs to each session.

Two Way Connection

I'm making a java program & I want this to be both as server and a client (using sockets). How is this best achieved?

If you mean that you want to both send and receive data, a single regular socket (on each computer) will do just fine. See Socket.getInputStream and Socket.getOutputStream.
The usual "server" / "client" distinction just boils down which host is listening for incoming connections, and which hosts connect to those hosts. Once the connection is setup, you can both send and receive from both ends.
If you want both hosts to listen for incoming connections, then just set up a ServerSocket and call accept on both hosts.
Related links:
Official trail: The Java™ Tutorials, Lesson: All About Sockets

If you want each station to function as a server and a client, like a p2p chat,
you should implement a thread with a ServerSocket, listening for incoming connections, and once it got a connection, open a new thread to handle it so the current one will keep on listening for new connections.
For it to be able to connect to others, simple use SocketAddress and Socket, in a different thread to try to connect to a specified server address (e.g. by a list of the user's friends)
you can find plenty of chat examples by googling.
cheers.

If you want the program to perform the same operations regardless of whether it is a server or a client for a certain connection, I could imagine handing off both the client Socket and the ServerSocket.accept()-produced socket to the same method for processing.

Have a look at jgroups it's a library that allows the creation of groups of processes whose members can send messages to each other. Another option would be to use hazelcast...
You may also look at this question.

The best way to do this is to run the server on a thread:
You run server.accept() therefore while your program is listening for a connection on that thread you can do whatever you want on the main thread, even connect to another server therefore making the program both a server & a client.

Socket Programming -Java - Many Clients One Socket Question(s)

Essentially Im trying to get many many java clients connect to a socket on my ColdFusion server (Using the Socket Gateway). However before i even start to code this, Im a little confused about sockets and their performance. First of all, are sockets meant for many(1000+) clients connecting to one socket (say port 2202) on one server? How is the performance if all there waiting for is basically a ping, or something such that when these clients receive this "ping" they can go get some new data.
Thanks,
Faisal Abid

Socket is identified by following tuple,
Source IP
Source Port
Dest IP
Dest Port
Protocol (TCP or UDP)
Even 1000 clients all connect to the same port (dest port), each will get its own socket. So you will have 1000 sockets open.
It's going to be tough to maintain 1000 sockets with blocking I/O, which usually means 1000 threads. You need to use NIO. We have a server written with Mina, which can handle 2000 connections at peak.

First of all, are sockets meant for
many(1000+) clients connecting to one
socket (say port 2202) on one server
Yes, your server will open a socket on port 2202, and 1000 client will connect to it.
Server open server socket, and client will open client socket, it different.
How is the performance if all there
waiting for is basically a ping, or
something such that when these clients
receive this "ping" they can go get
some new data
On server, you use getInputStream function to get data from client, and getOutputStream function to send data to Client.
Notice: you should use Thread to process each request of client

There is nothing wrong with many socket clients that use blocking I/O (you may have a look at this article for more information about that). However, there are another approaches that can better fit your needs here:
nio;
multicasting;

Hi connecting with 1000 clients at the same time using simple java socket programming is not the perfect way. The probelm is that in fedora linux default maximum no of file can be open is 1024 and in windows it is 2048 or something like that. so in your server side you will find more than 1000 files open and after that if client will go on increaing then you will find too many files opnened error. so the better way is to use non blocking socket programming (I mean to say to use SocketChannel) Using socket channel at the same time as per i have check we can connect with 20,000 clients without any problem.
So better use nio. there is a very good book from Oreilly publication for java nio.
I have used java nio (socket channel)
Thanks
Sunil Kumar Sahoo